Custardo’s Weblog

he just rang. said he’s looked for jobs there but there aren’t any. asked if i had looked for jobs. HA! i do it every other day.i just said bye and hung up – i cant deal with him at the moment the hypocrisy of every word coming out of his mouth is putrid

so dh and i discussed what was going on at work last week and he said ” you can’t quit”  i told him that i wouldn’t quit without having another job.

i was just talking to him again, it started by him seeing me sad and saying ” we will win the lottery this week!”

“nah we won’t” i said ” theres just no hope, i hate it so much at work, i wake up every morning and i just want to cry”

” i wish i could tell you that you could just quit” he said ” but you can’t”

so he said it twice, and again i said – i wouldnt quit without another job, but how i thought there was a huge injustice to this as he was done exactly that TWICE in our marriage.

when he could stand work no longer, and i could see how unhappy he was we had a discussion and WE wrote a statement of resignation.  We could extend the mortage if we needed to, we would manage, we would get through, we have been through worse.

the first week he painted the living/dining room.  from then on in i was on his back all the time about looking for a job even – never mind applying for one.  when he did apply for jobs, i did the presentations and the research, truly i could not have been more supportive. i filled in the application forms with him as i am faster at typing.  i told him the organisations to namedrop, to make it look like he knew what he was talking about.

but i just can’t quit. we can’t just muddle through when its me, we can’t get by, we can’t come through adversity together, we can’t ride the wave and come through the other side.

funny that.

all the shit, all the ‘private’ posts on this blog, they would make you wonder why i put up with this shit. truly i don’t know why.

i really don’t have any hope, i don’t achieve anything, i am not going anywhere and all the shit just trickles my way. i feel dispair.

I haven’t felt this low since moving 300 miles frm family and friends and being completely isolated.  It’s pretty bad.

its so rubbish to get to a place where you are just beaten down, where your arguments don’t matter – so you don’t use them, making someone else see another point of view is a waste of energy. where your work contributes nothing, makes no changes and where there is a slight hint of political manoevering organisationally…then its never a managers fault. no, its mine. I don’t know how long i can take it. i don’t.  I try and block it out, a new say. a new start.  Work from a different office today and it won’t be the same. but it is. When you have no fight, well it’s a terrible place to be.

my boss is a twat it is official.  last week i cried twice.

5 hours toil – i put in today reduced to two.  so when i am not at my usua; office travel time to other office is counted – but now he said its excluding the time it would have taken to get to normal office.

am going to request a policy and have a look

ds ran away

i called police

we got him back

had great weekend last weekend.

ds had money stolen from his bank account

went to pub friday

ate like a pig today.

lowest ever ever ever weight this week

job is a nightmare, covering for a collegue whilst hse is on leave on a project i know little about, lots of detailed workwhich is bound to be wrong. its being closely watched by thedirector of operations which mneas my manager and his manager are both shit scared.

was told i had to work 12 hour  days travelling up to and working in London.

wont be thanked for it

shit trickles downhill and it will all be a big mess and end up my fault

so new boss ( ex collegue)

“how did you get up here? on a bike?”

knowing exactly what he meant as i had caught a 9am train and got there after 11am – i wasn’t standing for the passive aggressiveness of his remark and wanted him to explain himself

“no? why”

“was there something wrong with the trains?”

“no A, you are obviously getting at something, i don’t understand?”

“Well custy, its just that you took your time getting here”

“i was at the station at 9am A”

“i was here for 9am custy”

“i was here yesterday A, and shall be again tomorrow”

“well we all have to work as much as we can and muck in to get this done, there are other times we can work from home and so on”

aye – my arse.

took friday off, i was fucked.

A is a cunt and i hate him

End of secondment, back to old job. New manager ( used to be a collegue) 2 new members of the 6 member team. a New regulatory body i know not a lot about.

More travelling all over the south east, London & IOW.

a job i hated for 5 years, a job i took a secondment to get out of.

Back to the back stabbing political manovering.  Back to senior management not having your back or dropping you in the shit.  Shit rolls downhill – ther ehas never been a truer saying.

the manager that had me in tears so many times now a senior manager.

So hello to a new work day where the travel for today is 160 mile round trip for a ‘catch-up’ session with my new boss who thinks that jokes made at my expense are ok – and funny.

it used to make me cry so much – all the bullshit.

i need to get out.

bought a size 10 jeans today and they fit.

i put on 5.5 lbs over xmas, however i have since lost 4 lbs back on the LC diet.

we went round to inlaws last night, and dh did indeed take bil to one side and had a chat.

consequently – today went smoothly – quite enjoyable.

at all.  even though i have asked dh to have a word with BIL nothing has been said, no phone call or anything.  I am not behind the door with my suggestions either – with ” tomorrow is going to be fun if BIL starts”

Dh knows i will kick off mightily. i keep going through the conversation in my head.

oh ffs bil, can’t you just leave him alone.  he changes the way he stands …the way he stands – becuase even that isn’t good enough.  how would you like it if you went to work every single day to be told how shit you are and then not only that, you then know that its going to get told to your aunty, your cousins, your sister, your mum and dad. jesus christ why dont you just leave him the fuck alone.

[i turn to dh] and you [throws keys at him] can take the kids home, this could have been avoided.  i told YOU after i had to sit here last week and listen like a naughty school girl whilst bil berated ds infront of his whole family, i told you to sort it before today.

what is it with the telling tales. no wonder my dd doesn’t want to invite your dd out. All she ever does is tell tales – no – outright lies. She came to my house and told me that ds told bil to ‘fuck off at work today’ which is just a lie.

thank you sil for the effort you put into today but i am going to leave.

[i walk home]

will tell you how it really went

i am predicting it goes

jesus bil, give it a rest.

[turns to dh]

told you to sort this before today

storms out.

walks home crying

or worse

just take it all through gritted teeth and go to toilet and cry.